Trust vs Fear
There are a few other blog entries that I have been meaning to write, but this issue takes precedence and I cannot delay getting this out. This is concerning a disturbing article that was shared on my Facebook wall earlier today. I had no previous knowledge of the book nor the couple that authored it, but it saddens me immensely to learn that people have been cultishly following the parenting advice that has now been linked with several deaths. http://www.examiner.com/article/another-couple-found-guilty-of-murder-for-parenting-by-to-train-up-a-child
"Training" your child by switching, spanking, and sitting on until they are broken and voluntarily submissive may successfully modify behaviors that you have determined to be unsatisfactory, but the obedience you are training is in fear of violence.
My husband and I had many conversations about our parenting philosophy long before we decided to add a child to our family. I know sometimes just having the time and opportunity for those conversations is a luxury in some families. Having a basic knowledge of child development and parenting styles is something that many people do not have access to prior to becoming parents. I am very grateful that part of my education has granted me that knowledge and has hopefully made me more prepared as a wife and mother. I do not know everything about parenting. I am qualified to teach a parenting course, but as with many things: the more I know; the more there is to learn.
Parenting should be intentional. Your guidance and discipline philosophy should be ever present and not just reactive. The authors contort these two ideas to back their agenda of what I can only view as child abuse.
Using spanking, especially with any implement such as they recommend (ie. plastic tubing, branches), preemptively or before misbehavior even occurs is despicable. Mind you, I am not completely against spanking. I have never spanked my child, but I do not rule it out entirely. I do think it is grossly overused. It should never be done out of anger and certainly not to break your child. However, I do not think I will have occasion to use spanking on my son.
While I do believe my son is a perfect angel of God, I know he will not always behave as such. I do not believe in degrading him as a person to obey my will. I ask him to cooperate with me to the best of his ability, and he most often does so. I do not think this is because I am some all-powerful, parenting perfection. I believe this is because my son knows that he can trust me. He knows that I show him love and kindness. He trusts what I say because I am consistent with what I do. My expectations for his behavior are rooted in what is developmentally appropriate for him as he grows and he often exceeds those expectations.
Sometimes he doesn't.
Sometimes he throws fits.
Sometimes he throws objects.
Sometimes he melts down in the middle of the commissary.
I don't believe that this is because he is intentionally disobeying me.
I don't believe that these behaviors are necessarily something to be squashed out.
I believe sometimes it is just the circumstance of the day; being overtired or hungry or uncomfortable or sick.
I believe all emotions are valid and are tools for learning about self and the world around you.
Most of all, I believe EVERY perfect angel of God deserves the right to be safe from physical and emotional harm. And EVERY child is a perfect angel of God.
I want my child(ren) to trust me rather than fear me.
I want my child(ren) to choose right and good rather than obey.
I want my child(ren) to be the whole version of themselves and I pray that I can help guide them a little along the way.
"Training" your child by switching, spanking, and sitting on until they are broken and voluntarily submissive may successfully modify behaviors that you have determined to be unsatisfactory, but the obedience you are training is in fear of violence.
My husband and I had many conversations about our parenting philosophy long before we decided to add a child to our family. I know sometimes just having the time and opportunity for those conversations is a luxury in some families. Having a basic knowledge of child development and parenting styles is something that many people do not have access to prior to becoming parents. I am very grateful that part of my education has granted me that knowledge and has hopefully made me more prepared as a wife and mother. I do not know everything about parenting. I am qualified to teach a parenting course, but as with many things: the more I know; the more there is to learn.
Parenting should be intentional. Your guidance and discipline philosophy should be ever present and not just reactive. The authors contort these two ideas to back their agenda of what I can only view as child abuse.
Using spanking, especially with any implement such as they recommend (ie. plastic tubing, branches), preemptively or before misbehavior even occurs is despicable. Mind you, I am not completely against spanking. I have never spanked my child, but I do not rule it out entirely. I do think it is grossly overused. It should never be done out of anger and certainly not to break your child. However, I do not think I will have occasion to use spanking on my son.
While I do believe my son is a perfect angel of God, I know he will not always behave as such. I do not believe in degrading him as a person to obey my will. I ask him to cooperate with me to the best of his ability, and he most often does so. I do not think this is because I am some all-powerful, parenting perfection. I believe this is because my son knows that he can trust me. He knows that I show him love and kindness. He trusts what I say because I am consistent with what I do. My expectations for his behavior are rooted in what is developmentally appropriate for him as he grows and he often exceeds those expectations.
Sometimes he doesn't.
Sometimes he throws fits.
Sometimes he throws objects.
Sometimes he melts down in the middle of the commissary.
I don't believe that this is because he is intentionally disobeying me.
I don't believe that these behaviors are necessarily something to be squashed out.
I believe sometimes it is just the circumstance of the day; being overtired or hungry or uncomfortable or sick.
I believe all emotions are valid and are tools for learning about self and the world around you.
Most of all, I believe EVERY perfect angel of God deserves the right to be safe from physical and emotional harm. And EVERY child is a perfect angel of God.
I want my child(ren) to trust me rather than fear me.
I want my child(ren) to choose right and good rather than obey.
I want my child(ren) to be the whole version of themselves and I pray that I can help guide them a little along the way.
posted by Eileen Cooper at
1:03 AM
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