When "Yay! Daddy's Home!" turns to "No, Daddy. No!"

Homecoming

We all dream of it for weeks and months. We envision the perfect reunion. We may even have it; the happy tears, warm embrace, and long-awaited kiss. The family is finally together again and all is right with the world.

Then - the reunion glow fades. It may only take a few days or it could be a month or so later that everyone is back to reality.

However, reality has shifted some because the family has functioned for half a year or more without one of its key components. Reintegrating one parent into their role within the family can be a complicated matter. It can be downright difficult. The joyous thought of having your partner back to help with chores, bath time, bedtime, and such is met with screams and, “No, Daddy!”

Each deployment is experienced differently. No two can be the same, as the family is never at the same ages or stages for each. So, even if last deployment had a smooth sailing reunion, this one might not. Or it might be the next one. There is some evidence that successive deployments can lead to increased behavior problems and attachment issues in children (Barker & Berry, 2009).

Some of the research and theory behind the why of this difficult reunion:

Attachment, or the bond between the child and caregiver, is established over the first two to three years of life (Bowlby, 1988). Attachment theory originated from the work John Bowlby did observing the impact on orphaned children as a result of World War II. When a caregiver is missing during this critical period of life, it impacts the attachment between them. Children can also form different attachment patterns to different caregivers.  So even if they have a secure attachment with one parent; they can form a different pattern attachment with the other parent, depending on their interactions.

Here is a table reference of the attachment patterns:

Child and caregiver behavior patterns before the age of 18 months (Ainsworth, et.al., 1978)
Attachment pattern	Child	Caregiver
Secure	Uses caregiver as a secure base for exploration. Protests caregiver's departure and seeks proximity and is comforted on return, returning to exploration. May be comforted by the stranger but shows clear preference for the caregiver.	Responds appropriately, promptly and consistently to needs. Caregiver has successfully formed a secure parental attachment bond to the child.
Anxious	Clingy, unable to cope with absences of the caregiver. Seeks constant reassurances.	Excessively protective of the child, and unable to allow risk-taking, and steps towards independence.
Avoidant	Little affective sharing in play. Little or no distress on departure, little or no visible response to return, ignoring or turning away with no effort to maintain contact if picked up. Treats the stranger similarly to the caregiver. The child feels that there is no attachment; the child is "rebellious" and has a lower self-image and self-esteem.	Little or no response to distressed child. Discourages crying and encourages independence.
Ambivalent/resistant	Unable to use caregiver as a secure base, seeking proximity before separation occurs. Distressed on separation with ambivalence, anger, reluctance to warm to caregiver and return to play on return. Preoccupied with caregiver's availability, seeking contact but resisting angrily when it is achieved. Not easily calmed by stranger. In this relationship, the child always feels anxious because the caregiver's availability is never consistent.	Inconsistent between appropriate and neglectful responses. Generally will only respond after increased attachment behavior from the infant.
Disorganized	Stereotypies on return such as freezing or rocking. Lack of coherent attachment strategy shown by contradictory, disoriented behaviors such as approaching but with the back turned.	Frightened or frightening behavior, intrusiveness, withdrawal, negativity, role confusion, affective communication errors and maltreatment. Very often associated with many forms of abuse towards the child.

 

So, the research and theory gives a framework for why this is happening. It’s not that you are abnormal or that your child is being bad or that you are a bad parent. A huge component of their lives has been absent for a huge fraction of their entire life. (Just think if they are 1 and Daddy was gone for 6 months – that is ½ of their life)

What do you do when the coparenting that you were so looking forward to doing again becomes yet another struggle?

We found that when I (Mommy) was around it was, “No Daddy.” But, if I was taken out of the equation, everything went much more smoothly. So, we did small things at first and progressively increased the amount of time with Daddy one on ones. Daddy picked up from school solo. Daddy did bath-time solo. And, eventually, the whole evening was with just Daddy. 

We both reassure that everything is ok. We also reassure that both of us are staying or coming right back. We definitely try to soak up all the family time we can. Post-deployment leave was a really important time and great opportunity for us to spend several days as just us for the entire day.

It has for sure been a process. We still see a little bit of the, “No,” towards Daddy when Mommy is around. And still some jealous tugs when Mommy and Daddy are in an embrace. But there are many more smiles and a lot fewer battles.

What are some of the things you have done to help reestablish this relationship post-deployment?