Kettricken's Birth Story

It has been almost seven weeks since she arrived. I want to get this story out before the new mommy cocktail of hormones makes me completely forget about childbirth. 

Kettricken kept us guessing as to when she would make her debut. 

At my doc appointment at 34 weeks and some change we discovered I was 2 cm dilated and having contractions. I was not feeling said contractions, but apparently some of them were pretty big. They kept me at the hospital on the monitors, but let me go after 4.5 hours. 

This hiccup at the appointment had several repercussions. I had left my mom and Rolli at a playground for during my "quick" appointment. Thank God for Stroller Warriors and Melanie Binversie who went and picked them up, fed them, and took them home. My mom was down to help me drive that day to Ohio. The doctor didn't really recommend the trip. Well, we decided to wait till the next day to leave, but I couldn't miss Jessica Schultz Coffey's wedding. It meant that we didn't get to stop on the drive to visit Jenni Barnes and Dave Whitworth. Mom would not let me drive at all and is a warrior and my hero. 

I had a few more small contractions and a couple at the wedding, but no Ketti. We also had her baby shower that weekend, and thankfully not her arrival yet. 

After returning home, there was no more excitement until the middle of week 37. I woke up to contractions that started to get pretty strong, but did not develop a pattern of time. This continued into the next two days. Random contractions. At this point, being full term and quite large, I was ready for her arrival. 

Mom came back down in a hurry thinking she would miss the birth, but Ketti continued to keep us on our toes. The next week consisted of lots of what can we do to get her out. Walking, trip to the beach, a garage sale. We did our Friday sale, but Saturday was canceled for labor. 

My regular contractions began at 3:30 am and were stronger. I went to the restroom to discover the bloody show. By 5:30 contractions were 5 minutes apart and strong enough that I could not move during them. I woke up Cole and said we need to go now. 

When I was checked at the hospital I was 4.5 cm and they admitted me. Contractions were only 2 minutes apart and to the point I needed Cole to put counter pressure on my lower back. Back labor is so fun! 

It took a few hours of seemingly constant contractions to get to 8 cm. My water broke during labor this time. I actually had two separate gushes of water. One at about the same time as I reached 8 cm and the other very close to the 10 cm/crowning/pushing point. Cole had an arm workout massaging my back and squeezing it until the bruising point (per my request) for hours. Thankfully he had a conversation partner in his friend Sam Burnett that came in on his day off to help "deliver a legend!"

I was ready to push at 1045. Kettricken's shoulders were stuck for 30 seconds and the head nurse jumped on me and helped push from my stomach. Kettricken Donnally Cooper was born at 1055 on April 25, 2015 weighing 8 pounds 11 ounces and 19.5 inches long.

 She had no complications or issues from her "code purple" during delivery. 

I was stitched up (about 4 or 5) and given some extra medication for some extra bleeding after delivering the placenta. They said the extra bleeding occurs often with bigger babies. The pain and the bleeding began to lessen over the course of the next day. Ketti was perfect, but they kept us 48 hours just to be sure she was fine after being stuck. 

Rolli came to meet his baby Ketti on Sunday. He loves her and is so good with her. We are so lucky Rolli's Mimi (my mom) was here to keep him while we were at the hospital. He still checks to make sure we aren't going back to the hospital for days at a time, but it made it way simpler to have him with Mimi at home. He asks constantly for her to come back to our house, too. 

We are so happy, blessed, and in love. 

This time vs Last time

I had hoped to do lots more blogging during this pregnancy. Life, work, and everything else seemed to take way higher priority this time around. Tonight, I started comparing pictures from this pregnancy to last. They are very similar and very different at the same time. I'll post the comparison pictures at the end for your viewing pleasure.

I've been thinking throughout the pregnancy of ways that they are similar and different.
Morning sickness:
With Rolli I was just nauseated all day long every day for the first 15 weeks. The day I turned 16 weeks pregnant there was a switch flipped and I felt great.
With Ketti I was nauseated some days and felt totally fine other days. It was kind of bizarre to feel terrible one day and the next feel not pregnant at all.
Cravings:
I didn't have very many things I craved with Rolli. Mostly cheesy snacks - the really terrible for you ones like Cheetos and cheezits that I didn't like before being pregnant with him. Oh, and sweets. But I crave those when I'm not pregnant, too. Although I had to cut down on chocolate some cause it did not seem to go over well with him.
One of the first things I craved with Ketti was ice water. Strange, I know. But, if you know me, you know I don't really like ice in my drinks. Right now, however, I HAVE to have ice. I also crave sweets, but that's a given. Chocolate is ok this time.
Heartburn:
I had some heartburn with Rolli, but it was just after eating things with red sauce or things that typically cause heartburn.
I have had some serious acid reflux with Ketti. It happens after any type of food or even drinking water and then laying down. I have to take TUMS and sit upright for a long time after eating to avoid throwing up from reflux.
Discomfort:
Besides the first trimester, I felt amazing while pregnant with Rolli. I was working out, playing kickball, and just overall felt really good.
I have been exhausted and uncomfortable for most of this pregnancy. I have, until a few weeks ago, been working full time and also have a now 2 year old child. These differences probably impact the feeling of the pregnancy.

Hopefully I have several more weeks to learn more differences. I didn't get to experience the last month of being pregnant with Rolli. We are hoping Ketti decides to wait a little longer for us to meet her.

Announcement!!

We are pregnant! 

Our next Mini Cooper is due May 1, 2015. 

We had our dating ultrasound to confirm our due date and baby is measuring right on. Baby was moving a ton. The picture is super blurry since baby was doing gymnastics, so props to those of you that can make out what you see in it. Give me your guesses. 

The nursing resurgence

A couple months ago I thought that weaning was nearly coming to an end. Rolli was down to only one nursing at bedtime before falling asleep for the night. He was sleeping in his room all the way through the night. He would wake up and ask for breakfast and did not mention nursing. 

Then, he grew tall enough to twist the doorknob and open the door all by himself. He now joins our bed in the middle of the night. EVERY NIGHT. He asks to nurse in the middle of the night and in the morning. 

At first I thought... Growth spurt. Now, I have stopped obliging the middle of the night nursing and only nurse him after 5 AM. (I know 5 is still the middle of the night to some, but life in the military starts a little bit earlier than the civilian world.) I am contemplating stopping the morning nursing, but my sleepy morning self would rather give in than deal with whiny crying in the wee hours. 

I wonder if he sensed the end of nursing was coming and is clinging on to it. I want to do child led weaning, yet right now it seems at a point where we have turned back from the light at the end of the tunnel. And just the fact that I am using that turn of phrase tells me how done I am beginning to feel. 

I am so grateful we have made it over 2 years. I love the bonding that it still provides. Yet, this breastfeeding mama is starting to feel shackled by the time spent nursing. 

I'm sure we will still breastfeed a bit longer. How much longer? I can't say. It still reassures me he is getting nutrients on nights that he hardly touches dinner. It is still the quickest way to calm him during his "danger zone" time right before bed when every action threatens a trip to the ER. It still gives me a few more precious winks of sleep in the morning. 

So maybe we aren't done nursing. But thankful we could in the first place. 

When "Yay! Daddy's Home!" turns to "No, Daddy. No!"

Homecoming

We all dream of it for weeks and months. We envision the perfect reunion. We may even have it; the happy tears, warm embrace, and long-awaited kiss. The family is finally together again and all is right with the world.

Then - the reunion glow fades. It may only take a few days or it could be a month or so later that everyone is back to reality.

However, reality has shifted some because the family has functioned for half a year or more without one of its key components. Reintegrating one parent into their role within the family can be a complicated matter. It can be downright difficult. The joyous thought of having your partner back to help with chores, bath time, bedtime, and such is met with screams and, “No, Daddy!”

Each deployment is experienced differently. No two can be the same, as the family is never at the same ages or stages for each. So, even if last deployment had a smooth sailing reunion, this one might not. Or it might be the next one. There is some evidence that successive deployments can lead to increased behavior problems and attachment issues in children (Barker & Berry, 2009).

Some of the research and theory behind the why of this difficult reunion:

Attachment, or the bond between the child and caregiver, is established over the first two to three years of life (Bowlby, 1988). Attachment theory originated from the work John Bowlby did observing the impact on orphaned children as a result of World War II. When a caregiver is missing during this critical period of life, it impacts the attachment between them. Children can also form different attachment patterns to different caregivers.  So even if they have a secure attachment with one parent; they can form a different pattern attachment with the other parent, depending on their interactions.

Here is a table reference of the attachment patterns:

Child and caregiver behavior patterns before the age of 18 months (Ainsworth, et.al., 1978)
Attachment pattern	Child	Caregiver
Secure	Uses caregiver as a secure base for exploration. Protests caregiver's departure and seeks proximity and is comforted on return, returning to exploration. May be comforted by the stranger but shows clear preference for the caregiver.	Responds appropriately, promptly and consistently to needs. Caregiver has successfully formed a secure parental attachment bond to the child.
Anxious	Clingy, unable to cope with absences of the caregiver. Seeks constant reassurances.	Excessively protective of the child, and unable to allow risk-taking, and steps towards independence.
Avoidant	Little affective sharing in play. Little or no distress on departure, little or no visible response to return, ignoring or turning away with no effort to maintain contact if picked up. Treats the stranger similarly to the caregiver. The child feels that there is no attachment; the child is "rebellious" and has a lower self-image and self-esteem.	Little or no response to distressed child. Discourages crying and encourages independence.
Ambivalent/resistant	Unable to use caregiver as a secure base, seeking proximity before separation occurs. Distressed on separation with ambivalence, anger, reluctance to warm to caregiver and return to play on return. Preoccupied with caregiver's availability, seeking contact but resisting angrily when it is achieved. Not easily calmed by stranger. In this relationship, the child always feels anxious because the caregiver's availability is never consistent.	Inconsistent between appropriate and neglectful responses. Generally will only respond after increased attachment behavior from the infant.
Disorganized	Stereotypies on return such as freezing or rocking. Lack of coherent attachment strategy shown by contradictory, disoriented behaviors such as approaching but with the back turned.	Frightened or frightening behavior, intrusiveness, withdrawal, negativity, role confusion, affective communication errors and maltreatment. Very often associated with many forms of abuse towards the child.

 

So, the research and theory gives a framework for why this is happening. It’s not that you are abnormal or that your child is being bad or that you are a bad parent. A huge component of their lives has been absent for a huge fraction of their entire life. (Just think if they are 1 and Daddy was gone for 6 months – that is ½ of their life)

What do you do when the coparenting that you were so looking forward to doing again becomes yet another struggle?

We found that when I (Mommy) was around it was, “No Daddy.” But, if I was taken out of the equation, everything went much more smoothly. So, we did small things at first and progressively increased the amount of time with Daddy one on ones. Daddy picked up from school solo. Daddy did bath-time solo. And, eventually, the whole evening was with just Daddy. 

We both reassure that everything is ok. We also reassure that both of us are staying or coming right back. We definitely try to soak up all the family time we can. Post-deployment leave was a really important time and great opportunity for us to spend several days as just us for the entire day.

It has for sure been a process. We still see a little bit of the, “No,” towards Daddy when Mommy is around. And still some jealous tugs when Mommy and Daddy are in an embrace. But there are many more smiles and a lot fewer battles.

What are some of the things you have done to help reestablish this relationship post-deployment?

My 'Honeymoon' as a Stay At Home Mom

I never thought I would want to be a Stay At Home Mom. I always knew I would have a career, yet I also wanted children. When I was young and blissfully ignorant of how hard it is to make those things go together, I magically enrolled myself in a career exploration course. I had come to the conclusion that I probably would not get that job at NASA that I dreamed when going in to college an astronomy and physics major. The course did assessments of personality, values, goals, etc. to find recommendations for career path. Mine lead me to getting my degree in early childhood development. This was one of the degrees that was lovingly referred to as getting your MRS degree. It, however, still did not dawn on me that I would ever want to stay home full time. I thought it would make me crazy. 

Now, since having my son and a brief time being a SAHM, why would I want to go back to doing what I do at home for children other than my own? The reality is that our family situation means I do have to work. (College loans are super fun!) Right now I work part time as a fitness instructor. This is a fantastic job and is somewhat flexible, which is great with having little ones. I try to get as many hours as I can, but there is only so many fitness classes one body can teach. 

This week we have gotten a little glimpse back into what life would be like if money were no issue and I could stay home. We have had 3 snow days so far where everything around is shut down. I have yet to even attempt going out. I know some people already have cabin fever, but I am loving this. This is the first time I have felt like I am getting things accomplished in months. There are not any dishes in the sink. The house is vacuumed and swept. We have painted, worked with stickers, colored, built forts, watched movies, played with trains and cars, jumped and ran out on the snow/ice (and fallen a few times)... My list could go on. 

I am by no means the worlds greatest mom. Nor am I delusional enough to think this honeymoon feeling being at home would last forever. I just think this mini break from things was just what my son and I needed. 

I have seen lots of attacks on SAHMs recently. I, for one, miss being one. It is not that it would be easier. Like most jobs, there is a lot more to it than someone outside of it can ever truly know. 

I do love my job. I also know that my son is gaining really valuable skills and knowledge at school (yes, school, aka daycare to some) that can only be achieved in the group setting. For both of those things, I am immensely grateful. I just also know that SAHMs are doing a really awesome job, too. I also guess that Ms. Blogger looking down on SAHMs would probably have to take a job in a childcare setting if SAHMs ceased to exist - the demand already far exceeds the availability for infant and toddler care. Then she would be doing what she looks down on, but for other people's kids. That would be some good irony. 

In the end, SAHMs are great and I'm glad to have had a short glimpse into your days. There is still laundry to fold and put away, but for now, I'm going to go play in the sensory bin with my little boy!

Trust vs Fear

There are a few other blog entries that I have been meaning to write, but this issue takes precedence and I cannot delay getting this out. This is concerning a disturbing article that was shared on my Facebook wall earlier today. I had no previous knowledge of the book nor the couple that authored it, but it saddens me immensely to learn that people have been cultishly following the parenting advice that has now been linked with several deaths. http://www.examiner.com/article/another-couple-found-guilty-of-murder-for-parenting-by-to-train-up-a-child
"Training" your child by switching, spanking, and sitting on until they are broken and voluntarily submissive may successfully modify behaviors that you have determined to be unsatisfactory, but the obedience you are training is in fear of violence.

My husband and I had many conversations about our parenting philosophy long before we decided to add a child to our family. I know sometimes just having the time and opportunity for those conversations is a luxury in some families. Having a basic knowledge of child development and parenting styles is something that many people do not have access to prior to becoming parents. I am very grateful that part of my education has granted me that knowledge and has hopefully made me more prepared as a wife and mother. I do not know everything about parenting. I am qualified to teach a parenting course, but as with many things: the more I know; the more there is to learn.

Parenting should be intentional. Your guidance and discipline philosophy should be ever present and not just reactive. The authors contort these two ideas to back their agenda of what I can only view as child abuse.
Using spanking, especially with any implement such as they recommend (ie. plastic tubing, branches), preemptively or before misbehavior even occurs is despicable. Mind you, I am not completely against spanking. I have never spanked my child, but I do not rule it out entirely. I do think it is grossly overused. It should never be done out of anger and certainly not to break your child. However, I do not think I will have occasion to use spanking on my son.
While I do believe my son is a perfect angel of God, I know he will not always behave as such. I do not believe in degrading him as a person to obey my will. I ask him to cooperate with me to the best of his ability, and he most often does so. I do not think this is because I am some all-powerful, parenting perfection. I believe this is because my son knows that he can trust me. He knows that I show him love and kindness. He trusts what I say because I am consistent with what I do. My expectations for his behavior are rooted in what is developmentally appropriate for him as he grows and he often exceeds those expectations.

Sometimes he doesn't.

Sometimes he throws fits.

Sometimes he throws objects.

Sometimes he melts down in the middle of the commissary.

I don't believe that this is because he is intentionally disobeying me.
I don't believe that these behaviors are necessarily something to be squashed out.

I believe sometimes it is just the circumstance of the day; being overtired or hungry or uncomfortable or sick.
I believe all emotions are valid and are tools for learning about self and the world around you.
Most of all, I believe EVERY perfect angel of God deserves the right to be safe from physical and emotional harm. And EVERY child is a perfect angel of God.

I want my child(ren) to trust me rather than fear me.
I want my child(ren) to choose right and good rather than obey.
I want my child(ren) to be the whole version of themselves and I pray that I can help guide them a little along the way.